new blog.

change in season -> new blog.

It's called Raw.

http://raw-peebs.blogspot.com/

Real-ity

So prom came off with out a hitch :) I mean, no, things weren't perfect.. but they were pretty darn good!
We were an hour late.. but when I got to the park to take pictures my date Shaun Riley gave me a beautiful corsache, in which he had intertwined a ribbon from my dress in. Then walking side by side, he said he was finally excited for grad now that I was there.
We drove a legit military vehicle to prom, but the wind made my fake eyelashes almost fall over and threatened the fake curls in my hair.
The dinner was delicious, but somehow I wasn't hungry. The coffee warmed me up from the inside out quite nicely and the dance floor was expandable!
The unofficial after party for the entire grad class ended up being too far away so we went to a local dry one at my friends house and had a sober night laughing our butts off and just being the kids that we are.

Highlight of the night : Marco Polo at Joels house.

AHHHHHHH!

I got my N!!! YESSS!!! Now all I need is a car.. and some more money.. everything is so expensive :( Luckily I have a job though so I get this awesome thing called a pay check that refills my bank account bi weekly!

My friend Kelsey slept over on Wednesday because my psycho french teacher has given us a huge project. I like Mme Testa, but not the project. Anyways, so yesterday I woke up with one of my besties, finished off a project .. or so I thought.. and then took my drivers test... which did terribly on! To be honest, you'd have to be a TERRIBLE driver to fail that thing... but so many people do! It's strange... Maybe he was just in a good mood because it was his first lesson of the day.

Then my wonderful cousin Geoff let me drive to starbucks to get him coffee while I waited for him to finish  a meeting, and then he let me take the car to school! SWEEET! AHHH! Then I picked up my little cousin from her friend's house :) Then I had to go to a first aid thing. Unfortunately I wasn't able to use on of the cars because both Geoff and Diane needed one, but Geoff drove me to the course on the AMAZING motorcycle his friend LENT him! It was AWESOME! I love motorcycles! Then I had a cool talk with Diane which was nice because I feel like our time together is few and far between because we're both so busy!

Anyways.. so yesterday was good.. but now I have a french project to memorize :(

But TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL.. EVER!!!! After school is my stage crossing and then we go to lock in! :) And then I have a blind date on Saturday :D And then I'm going to Edmonton next Thursday :) I AM SO HAPPY :)

Stupid French! Why must thou taint it all?

GRAD.

Here I am; nails manicured, toes pedicured, new ring in place, face mask drying, chilling commando in summer PJ's. My best friend Raven is catching her beauty sleep, dreaming adventures she'll never remember. The past couple of weeks have been filled with phases of excitement and dread. The emotions alternate without warning or cause and sometimes just blatantly blend. Now, here I am; the night before prom.

Knowing that tomorrow will be a day I will remember for the rest of my life is slightly intimidating. The lack of connection between me and the school, me and my school mates is slightly disappointing. Trying to make sure all the friends I do have enjoy themselves seems impossible.

Lately, I've been realizing that I'm kind of a dick. I don't like pretending; I would rather be alone than fake. I'm not one to be pushed around; I'm not one to put my feelings last all the time. I feel people need to solve their own problems, and seek help if need be. I'm all for helping, but I'm not for babying. It's impossible to make everyone happy.

So tomorrow, I'm just going to relax (whilst running around all day) and be happy. I'm not going to waste time worrying. If my friend has an issue, let her come to me and we'll try to solve it together. If things escalate,  there's always an exit. Rather than being a tense jerk, I'll just be a chill cucumber and remember the bigger picture.

I'll let my emotions roll and just keep my feet grounded. Goodbyes are a strange thing and I've never been very good with them. It'll sting to see everyone with their family and what not, but I wouldn't be able to get along with my parents for the day so it'd just make a mess. I'm excited to do this with Geoff and Diane though. I never thought I'd end up here. .. and this is only the beginning of the adventure.

EAT PRAY LOVE.

EAT PRAY LOVE

“What’s got you all wadded up?” he drawls, toothpick in mouth, as usual.
“Don’t ask” I say, but then I start talking and tell him every bit of it, concluding with, “And worst of all, I can’t stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it’s all coming up again.”
He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”
“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”
“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”
I exhale hotly though my nose, bull-like.
“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”
“But I really loved him.”
“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”
“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”
“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him.
Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
“But I wish me and David could —“
He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”



Short story for English

Dithering||Invincible

Light fell on the sleepy faces of her wealthy peers as she walked through the entrance. With a sudden shocking jolt the door slammed behind her. The warm summer sun wavered, and was quickly replaced with glaring fluorescent lights as she stumbled down the seemingly endless, eerie corridor searching in a sea of strangers for a familiar face – or a sole friendly one. Instead, she was greeted with scowls or otherwise wholly ignored as the detached teens fiddled with their newest technological devices.

On Sunridge Secondary’s website the building was comparable to a brilliant star – bright enough to be the sun itself. The programs, the grounds, the academics had seemed surreal. On the drive she couldn’t contain her excitement; she struggled to keep her composure as she hugged her dad farewell. He had worked relentlessly over the last there years to stockpile enough funds for her return to private schooling for her grade 10 year. His upbringing had chained him with so many restrictions. As he suffered from his lack of education, he had vowed to create a way for his daughter to soar.

Many of her elementary schoolmates were enrolled here, and she had wandered through the hallways last week (when she picked up her timetable); nevertheless, Shelley became hesitant and felt terribly lost. She was drowning.

She glanced up once more before relinquishing all hope when she saw his smile. Never before had a smile sent such paralyzing confusion down her spine. Never before had she imagined that she would be bewildered by this boy’s simple upturned lips. Though no longer the pudgy eleven year old she remembered, she knew without a doubt that this was Josh Campbell; his hair was the same simple shade of blonde in the same simple short cut and his solid blue eyes still held that distinctive delight for life. She could never mistake that smile.

That smile had stared at her – at the world – day in and day out. It withstood early mornings, always first in the classroom and always the one caught ingesting a bogey. Always the first to release a laugh at the teacher’s terrible jokes or offer encouragement to a student presenting, it somehow managed to tolerate taunting, harassment and cruelty from peers and survived ensuing solitude. Never a silent smile: standing up for those in distress no matter the consequence. His smile allowed him to soar over adversity. Though Josh was her neighbor and classmate, Shelley did not see the strength of his silly smile until the day she thought it was finally shattered forever.

*

The yellow tape blocking off the street in front of her driveway the day his smile melted had caught her off guard. The cop cars around her townhouse complex froze her heart at the thought that her siblings could have been hurt on their walk home. Seeing her family moments later at a neighbor’s house instantly thawed her disposition and she was oblivious to the scene – her loved ones were safe.

It still didn’t hit her when his smile was vacant from the mass of her dimply peers the next day. However, it hit her as her teacher’s tears hit the desk. He struggled to share the news. Josh had been run over.  Josh was so enraptured by the simple, friendly and spontaneous wave of the teacher’s son that he ran towards the son – oblivious to oncoming traffic.

When the teacher found the words, he talked of Josh’s incessant smile. His blurred eyes leaked when he spoke of how immense Josh’s grin would be if he was there that day; he loved school. All the students made cards and posters – hoping Josh’ smile would spread across his face the moment he woke up; bare hospital walls are far from comforting. Shelley remembered her faith slipping as the process of updating cards and letters repeated again and again and again.

He would never smile again; he had been stripped of his wings. Nine months later he finally woke up from his coma. His family moved to a wheelchair accessible house and (no longer neighbors) Shelley didn’t know when she would see him again. She never thought she’d see that smile again.

*

Nonetheless, there it was staring at her – at the world. The sound of his laughter wafted her direction and rendered her guilty. Apparently, he gripped a walker now (rather than stuck in a wheelchair). Though his muscles contracted awkwardly, he was walking down the hallway. The self-pity she had felt coming down the hallway moments earlier made Shelley –fully mobile- feel incredibly self-centered. He was speaking with someone, but with great difficulty due to evident brain damage. What was he saying? Too far away in too noisy a hallway, his simple message still hit Shelley: resolve is the only wing you need to soar.

To read:

I found a note from awhile ago telling me to read: "All My Friends Are Dead" and "Screw Calm and Get Anrgy"

I have no recollection of what they are about, but I thought I'd repost the note for future reference. :)